She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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