True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
