My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
