my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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