But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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