Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
