I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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