I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize