Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
