i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
