Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
