i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Randomize
