she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
