I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
