the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
