census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
i will never coherently bang her
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
