i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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