at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize