Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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