i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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