After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
