I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
i love accidental penises.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
