I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
