How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize