My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
