Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
