Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
