i don't like sucking hair
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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