ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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