we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize