fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
