I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
