You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
