im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
