Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
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