So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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