I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
