What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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