I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
