I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
