I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
