Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
