Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
