I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
My liver just had a heart attack.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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