I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Congratulations! We have a period
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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