i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Randomize
