just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
