I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
My pussy is not your playground.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Randomize
