Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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