All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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