a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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