Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
