I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
