Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
