Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
