i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
the condom got lost in my hair
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize