i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Randomize
