My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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