I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
