ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
