Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
