Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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